The story of us...The Watts Family...and regular updates for those who are following...

4.06.2008

Fear and Loathing

For the last week I’ve had WNS…Wet Noodle Syndrome…that’s exactly how I feel. Like a big, fat, floppy, wet noodle. I haven’t done much except work, and even then it’s been half-heartedly. Mostly, I have slept, lay on the couch, watch a boat load of TV in between sleeping TOO much! I’m depressed about the pain I know is inevitable, I’m depressed because I’m afraid I won’t make a good mother, I’m nervous about being responsible for another living being for the rest of my life (or at least the next 18 years). I’m scared of my kid being messy. I’m afraid what the cats will do/think when we bring home the baby. I’m upset with weight gain, my face breaking out, and those “unexpected” bills that have come up for me recently. I’m depressed because my OB requires his patients to “pre-pay” for his services, but even with insurance this unexpected bill makes me a bit nervous! I haven’t been out of the house in days and have been nauseous and felt too badly to attend my scrapbooking retreat that I paid dearly to attend this weekend. I’m mad at myself because of my protein woes I wrote about last time. All I want are sweets, but they make me SICK. Still, I eat them. Then I get sick. So I get even more upset with myself for eating the sweets I know I’m not supposed to have. For the last 2 weeks, I’ve been hit and miss on my prenatals, and I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW how important they are! It’s been CRAZY, the stuff I’m not doing. Taking the prenatals, just ingesting them, make my tummy feel ill and so I don’t WANT them! But I know how very important they are.

I saw a commercial the other night with Sarah McLauchlan and all these poor, helpless, beaten, sad-looking animals. It was for the ASPCA, I believe. Anyway, I just boo hooed. It really put me in a funk and I can’t seem to drag myself out of that funk. I don’t know why I just didn’t change the stupid channel. I’ve seen that commercial before and it did the SAME thing to me and I wasn’t even pregnant at the time! Still, why didn’t I just change the channel? UGH! Now I feel like poo and I’m letting everything bother me and I just sleep all the time. I haven’t had a B12 shot in almost a month because last time Todd gave it to me he hit a nerve in my hip and I thought I was going to hit the ceiling. SO. Haven’t wanted one of THOSE anytime recently. But still, I know the B12 is REQUIRED after gastric bypass surgery, and even more important for me now that I’m responsible for nourishing another life! Aaaah, the PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve got to turn this around. I’ve got a busy month ahead of me and no time to just lie around in my own funk, being depressed about stuff that I know I have no control over. I know labor is going to hurt like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, and that makes me question…WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO? Terrible, I know. I am excited to have a baby, this is what I have wanted for a long, long time. But every day, it is more real to me that it’s going to HURT. I’m really scared. I hate needles; I do NOT want an epidural in my SPINE!!!!!!!!!!! If I could find a place, I would elect to have my baby at a place where they don’t even use IV therapy in the mothers. Oklahoma is so ass-backwards, though, I doubt if any place like that exists around here. The needles coming out of my arms will only make me THAT much more anxious and scared. For the past week I have just wanted to crawl into a hole and cover my head and not think about anything but getting through the next minute of my life. I have a lot of anxiety about the messes kids make, too. Like, while they are eating. What am I going to do???? I hate messes. I hate disorganization. I hate not knowing what lies ahead. I’m really scared about everything, and it’s just taken hold the past 6 days or so. The feelings of despair have gotten worse, not better, and I don’t know exactly what to do about it yet.

The good news is that this week I will be 10 weeks along. I have been so sick to my stomach and the Preggie Pops work but I am stubborn about taking them. I’m hoping and praying that within the next few weeks the sickness will go away and STAY AWAY. Sometimes it lasts all day and sometimes I am fine in the morning, and then it will start in the afternoons. Whoever deemed it MORNING SICKNESS was seriously deluded…

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

ohh honey , why havent you called me !!!!! you know i been though hell and back with my pregnancys and i could help you .... your chemicals make up is changing and this is probably causing alot of your depression . and really yes it is painful remember i did it both ways natural and with a epidural. and hon im here to say after you get to the point of the doctor saying its ok to recieve the epidural you will be ready and it will only last a couple minuits till there is no more pain witch is all to good, yes it hurts but the moment that nurse lays that baby in your arms all thoughts of pain and what just happened melts away when you look in your sweet babys eyes and know that you have created life this little baby is part of you and the love of your life toddy it is the most magnificent gift you could ever imagine , no words can explain the feeling you and todd will have the first moment you hold that baby . and as much as you love todd and your family and pets you really dont know love untill that baby looks at you and at that moment you know you belong to your baby and would give your last breath for her. i stick to my words a woman doestknow the true feeling of love till she holds her baby and knows i created life my baby completly belongs to meeeee. and nothing can take that away . there is no love like that of a child. and it doesnt matter how good or bad of a parent you may think you are that child will love you to no end . and hun you and i both know you and todd will be great parents ... and as for messy well hate to break it to you but yep what kid isnt nasty lmao. but when that time comes you prolly wont even dwell on it just take it one step at a time. no matter what the child is like and how big a mess they make when they run upto you for no aparent reason and throw there arms around you giving you kissys and they say "MOMMY I LOVE YOU" your heart melts and you know its all been worth it. omg wyatt is the most lovy dovey lil man. i get tons of kisses and hugs and cuddleing from him still everyday . most kids have out grown it by his age for the most part but he continues on and love cuddle tine numerous times a day. he cant get enough lol..... please dont dwell on bad thoughts just think of all the love baby will give you and kisses. after all the love will always conqure any bad moments ..... and seriously as for the food thing just eat anything that will stay down at this point all moms go through this its just part of it vitimins TAKE THEM ! the nutrients baby needs is in them mostly since you cant keep much down and the b12 well go get the liquid under the tounge kind it relly does help and it will make up for the shot for the most part. but anyways call me hun and im here for you to talk to... anytime ..... i love ya Amber

Anonymous said...

ok so i been looken around the internet about all this good stuff , and hormones hormones hormones , of course i alredy said it but the actual hormone thats responsible for your pain in the ass problems is progesterone. and everything that sucks can be blamed on it lol. and a big ol reason you are tired is because without even knowing it your working your body is on overtime right now your body has started to develop the essential placenta needed to maintain life im momma. how do you like that being called momma!!! so as you see momma you are doing alot and didnt even get off the couch hahahahaha. but thats all in a days work for us moms. and also it is essetial now todd cleans litterboxs , and does the cleaning in the house that requires cleaners and sprays if they make you sick. and as for foods the following is a short short list of foods that are great for baby:
AVOCADOS-awsome for developing babys brain and nervous system .
BROCCOLI-bones
CARROTS- bones,teeth, eyes
EGGS- importtant for developing babys brain , eyesight and is essential
MANGOS- are great also
keep in mind this is just a short list , any how i found a groovy website perfect for you its the what to expect when your expecting website and the addy is
{ www.whattoexpect.com } anywho hang in there and ill catch ya laters love ya girl Amber

Stacey L. from Claremore!! said...

CHEER UP!!! THINGS WILL GET BETTER, JUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR A LITTLE BIT AT A TIME, JUST RUB YOUR STOMACH AND ANTICIPATE THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU FEEL THIS CHILD KICK YOU WILL BE ELATED...AND THEN ALL OF YOUR CURRENT WORRIES. IT IS IMPORTANT TO DO ALL THE THINGS YOU AND TODD WERE DOING BEFORE YOU GOT PREGNANT TOO, YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT HE FEELS HE IS INCLUDED, MAKE HIM TAKE YOU SOMEWHERE...GO BUY A NEW BABY OUTFIT, OR SOMETHING...IT HELPS SO MUCH TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!

YOU SHOULD CALL SOME FRIENDS, MAKE THEM MAKE YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, IF I DIDN'T LIVE IN CLAREMORE, AND HAVE TO WORK CRAZY HOURS I WOULD MAKE YOU...HEHE. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND GET OFF THE COUCH AND BE HAPPY LIZ I KNOW!!! :)

Anonymous said...

i love you hun, just stick in there and blow off the bull shit some idiots try to bring you down with . this is regaurding your myspace blog . just remember i love ya and everythings gonna be ok . and if itys alright id love to come see ya soooooon and let ya meet our new baby boy (your nephew hehehehe) shasta shambles or his legal name is { Shambles agnst ust shasta } english- shambles sweet little shasta prounounced ----------( shambles a-ga-na-s-t ohh-sss-tee shasta ! hes part cherokee ya know hahahaha! your gonna love em. well catch ya laters!!!!! love ya Amber