For the last week I’ve had WNS…Wet Noodle Syndrome…that’s exactly how I feel. Like a big, fat, floppy, wet noodle. I haven’t done much except work, and even then it’s been half-heartedly. Mostly, I have slept, lay on the couch, watch a boat load of TV in between sleeping TOO much! I’m depressed about the pain I know is inevitable, I’m depressed because I’m afraid I won’t make a good mother, I’m nervous about being responsible for another living being for the rest of my life (or at least the next 18 years). I’m scared of my kid being messy. I’m afraid what the cats will do/think when we bring home the baby. I’m upset with weight gain, my face breaking out, and those “unexpected” bills that have come up for me recently. I’m depressed because my OB requires his patients to “pre-pay” for his services, but even with insurance this unexpected bill makes me a bit nervous! I haven’t been out of the house in days and have been nauseous and felt too badly to attend my scrapbooking retreat that I paid dearly to attend this weekend. I’m mad at myself because of my protein woes I wrote about last time. All I want are sweets, but they make me SICK. Still, I eat them. Then I get sick. So I get even more upset with myself for eating the sweets I know I’m not supposed to have. For the last 2 weeks, I’ve been hit and miss on my prenatals, and I KNOW, KNOW, KNOW how important they are! It’s been CRAZY, the stuff I’m not doing. Taking the prenatals, just ingesting them, make my tummy feel ill and so I don’t WANT them! But I know how very important they are.
I saw a commercial the other night with Sarah McLauchlan and all these poor, helpless, beaten, sad-looking animals. It was for the ASPCA, I believe. Anyway, I just boo hooed. It really put me in a funk and I can’t seem to drag myself out of that funk. I don’t know why I just didn’t change the stupid channel. I’ve seen that commercial before and it did the SAME thing to me and I wasn’t even pregnant at the time! Still, why didn’t I just change the channel? UGH! Now I feel like poo and I’m letting everything bother me and I just sleep all the time. I haven’t had a B12 shot in almost a month because last time Todd gave it to me he hit a nerve in my hip and I thought I was going to hit the ceiling. SO. Haven’t wanted one of THOSE anytime recently. But still, I know the B12 is REQUIRED after gastric bypass surgery, and even more important for me now that I’m responsible for nourishing another life! Aaaah, the PRESSURE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve got to turn this around. I’ve got a busy month ahead of me and no time to just lie around in my own funk, being depressed about stuff that I know I have no control over. I know labor is going to hurt like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, and that makes me question…WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO? Terrible, I know. I am excited to have a baby, this is what I have wanted for a long, long time. But every day, it is more real to me that it’s going to HURT. I’m really scared. I hate needles; I do NOT want an epidural in my SPINE!!!!!!!!!!! If I could find a place, I would elect to have my baby at a place where they don’t even use IV therapy in the mothers. Oklahoma is so ass-backwards, though, I doubt if any place like that exists around here. The needles coming out of my arms will only make me THAT much more anxious and scared. For the past week I have just wanted to crawl into a hole and cover my head and not think about anything but getting through the next minute of my life. I have a lot of anxiety about the messes kids make, too. Like, while they are eating. What am I going to do???? I hate messes. I hate disorganization. I hate not knowing what lies ahead. I’m really scared about everything, and it’s just taken hold the past 6 days or so. The feelings of despair have gotten worse, not better, and I don’t know exactly what to do about it yet.
The good news is that this week I will be 10 weeks along. I have been so sick to my stomach and the Preggie Pops work but I am stubborn about taking them. I’m hoping and praying that within the next few weeks the sickness will go away and STAY AWAY. Sometimes it lasts all day and sometimes I am fine in the morning, and then it will start in the afternoons. Whoever deemed it MORNING SICKNESS was seriously deluded…