Unfortunately, this has not been a good month for me. So far, I’m 12 weeks along and for the last 6 weeks or so I have just been beside myself. For the last 4 or 5, I have not even BEEN myself. I am having trouble recognizing my thoughts, feelings, emotions. I really don’t understand my emotions lately, when I have really always been good at knowing myself and being able to name my feelings.
My doctor and many others chalk it up to hormones. But the thing is, I am seriously depressed. It is beginning to lift, though, I can feel it. But in the meantime, the entire month has sucked! My OB took me off my antidepressant and instead of April progressing from bad to better, instead it went from bad to worse. I have had what feels like a sinus infection/ear infection for the last 3 weeks and when I went to see the doc about that, she didn’t give me anything for it because I’m pregnant. So, my left ear has been giving me trouble nearly 3 weeks and I can’t even open my mouth all the way because of the pain radiating to my jaw. The nausea is markedly improved, although I still feel nauseous in the afternoons/evenings some days. I have had an increase in crampy sensations and after my exam on Monday my entire lower body has been aching like crazy. I don’t know if that is normal or not, and I called the OB’s office today but they have not called me back. Hopefully I will get to question them about this on Monday sometime. It’s not the type of cramping I had when I was miscarrying, but it is still really kind of annoying and uncomfortable and of course it concerns me.
Today, I have not been able to keep anything down. Everything keeps getting stuck on me and Todd is urging me to make yet another appointment with the gastroenterologist for an endoscopy and dilation. I have PROMISED myself that I will call Monday and see if they are even willing to see me, seeing as how they have to administer anesthesia to put me under and I don’t know if they’re comfortable with doing that on someone who’s preggo. I don’t want to harm my baby, but I also cannot eat much without puking and it is progressively getting worse and it’s NOT because of nausea. Trust me, getting something stuck feels nothing like throwing up from being sick to your tummy. Instead, it feels like there’s a fist ramming into your upper chest. It’s not a good thing.
So. Along with the sinus/ear infection/moderate-but-gradually improving nausea/suspected esophageal stricture situation, I have had a real problem with withdrawal and depression for the past month. I got out a little last week, though. Monday I chose to go to a meeting but couldn’t pull my head out of my butt enough to enjoy it. Tuesday night I met my cuz Amy for dinner in Tulsa. Wednesday I stayed home. Thursday night I had class and I can’t remember what I did on Friday. Probably nothing. In fact, from Friday to Sunday, I planted my fat butt on the couch and didn’t move except to go to the loo. I didn’t shower. I know, that is really gross, right? I even slept on the couch, too. I mean, I just felt diminished and deteriorated and defeated.
I haven’t returned anyone’s calls or texts in almost a month. I know people are worried. I hate that I am being like this but right now I feel extremely overwhelmed and consumed with myself. I feel like I really NEED my antidepressant but again, I don’t want to harm my baby. The drug I was on, the Emsam transdermal patch, has only been on the market for a year and my OB said that there is just no data to confirm the safety of it being used by pregnant women. So. There you have it.
What annoys me is that some people just chalk it up to “hormones”. Yes, I know hormones are a big part of my problem right now but the truth is that I have been clinically depressed for years. Why would it just “go away” because I’m pregnant? Why would hormones be the only cause? Why is it that some folks, doctors mainly, fail to see the importance of keeping women ON their meds instead of yanking them off and expecting it all just to “be okay?” If you’ve never suffered from depression, you haven’t a clue what the hell I’m talking about but if you have then I’m sure you can identify.
I know I’m only 12 weeks along and all and I’m really hoping that my “hormones” even out real soon because I am getting on my own nerves. I hate it that I’ve ignored so many of my friends, my family. I hate it that I have been in such a funk that I refused to go to the door when my dad or a little girl that I know, comes by to see me. I haven’t returned calls, emails or text messages…simply because I am not capable of it right now. I dropped out of school because I just can’t handle the stress of everything. Not right now. I actually left dirty dishes in the sink on 2 or 3 occasions, and the sink was crammed full of dirty dishes, which I think is disgusting and I never do that. But yeah, this past month I have. Todd has come home from long days at work and actually unloaded the dishwasher and then loaded it back up, just because I “didn’t feel up to it”. It’s a wonder he hasn’t kicked my tail yet, but he’s been wonderful through all of this. He’s my greatest support and I’m thankful for him. He’s gotten us takeout when I haven’t felt like making dinner. He’s brought me my favorite pasta salad from the deli we like in Bartlesville. He’s made me bowls of sherbet while we’re watching the tube. And, bless his heart, he cleans out the litter boxes EVERY NIGHT because I’m not supposed to be messing with it, and he never complains. He is the BEST.
I keep trying to talk myself into feeling better. Coax, actually. I am kind of envious of those women who beam and float around on Cloud 9 while they’re knocked up because I sure don’t feel that way and haven’t except for maybe the first few weeks. I LOVE that we’re having a baby and I feel very BLESSED and yes, I’m truly EXCITED, but I just don’t feel all mushy-gushy-happy-go-lucky like I believe I should. You know, the media always hypes about postpartum depression, but what about depression WHILE you’re pregnant? Surely I can’t be the only person who’s ever felt so…cruddy. Right?
On a lighter and more exciting note, my belly is kinda starting to show. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. One thing I fear is that people will want to touch my stomach! I have always been a touchy-feely kind of girl, but I just don’t know how I feel about this specific thing. I do like boundaries and I just don’t know if I’m comfortable enough yet with my body to tolerate people putting their hands in my personal space. Hmmm. Hopefully I will change my view on this as the time goes on because I know that it happens and people are naturally curious, but jeez! My aunt reached out to touch me and I jumped back like I’d been bitten. Now, had she tried to hug me or something, that wouldn’t have phased me. But please, people, keep your hands to yourself where my gut is concerned! Hehheehe
I have an interest in this prenatal yoga class in Tulsa but with gas being so high I can’t justify driving there twice a week to participate. I am getting ready to start working part time again, with the public. I NEED a reason to get up and get dressed and leave the house, you know? I love working at home but my uniform is my pajamas and house shoes, and I sit around here with no makeup, hair all a mess, and then at the end of the day I am usually still in my jammies. That’s ridiculous! So, I’ve made the decision to continue working out of my house but I HAVE to get out at least 3 or 4 times a week and I have always enjoyed working with the public, so I am thinking that will help me feel better. And, the extra money certainly can’t hurt, right? Sure, gas is high but I look at this as more of a necessity than a luxury because it’s for my mental health. LOL.
If you’re reading this and I have been out of touch, please accept my most sincere apologies. I honestly have not intended to alienate or block out anyone…all I can say is I’m sorry and I hope you all understand. For everybody involved, please know that it is NOT a personal attack on/against you…this is just all I am capable of right now but I feel like it is beginning to get better. At least, I really hope so.